


see, sexting pays off

by Anonymous



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 15:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20311768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Where Charles Xavier is a genetics professor, Erik Lehnsherr the Anthropology professor everyone suspects is hiding a dead body or ten in his boot (never mind the fact that he doesn't evenhavea car), and the kids are absolutely obsessed withHow To Get Away With Murder.





	see, sexting pays off

**Author's Note:**

> Written in the winter of 2016.

To Raven’s iPhone, 16/12/2016 

(10:20) _ Raven, please return the car to me in one piece. The subway is a terrifying experience in the morning, especially if one is in a wheelchair. _

(10:20) k

(10:21) _ Raven, please tell me you aren’t looking at your phone while driving. _

(10:21) im not

(10:22) _ Stop replying me, Raven. _

(10:22) _ Or anyone else, for that matter. _

(10:22) k

(14:12) _ I hope you’ve learnt your lesson. _

(14:12) sure thing, darling brother. anyway now you owe prof lehnsherr $$$

(14:13) Who is Prof. Lehnsherr…?

(14:13) r u srs rn

(14:13) _ Raven, please. I did not raise you to commit heinous crimes against the English language. _

(14:15) anthropology prof, smiles like a shark, uses the lecture hall after you?

(14:15) _ Oh. You know I don’t really take note of the people around me. _

(14:15) once told his entire class that he didn’t understand why they were here because they weren’t even making sense of the world by themselves, much less study how humans do it?

(14:15) _ Sounds like a pleasant fellow. _

(14:15) ur e 1 dealing w him gd luk

(14:15) _ Raven! _

To Raven’s iPhone, 20/12/2016 

(09:45) _ Just how elusive is this Prof. Lehnsherr? _

(09:46) good morning to you too, brother. you’re up early.

(09:46) _ Sorry, did I wake you? _

(09:46) totally not, because this is a perfectly reasonable time of the morning to get up.

(09:46) and you should ask hank, i don’t take anthropology

(09:46) _ But Hank is majoring in Engineering, isn’t he? _

(09:47) then why is hank in your class? dude takes everything.

(09:47) or you know

(09:47) you could just hang back after your lecture and wait for his to finish

(09:47) _ Raven, you are a genius. _

(09:47) i know

F R E A K S H OW 

December 20, 2016

**Mystique: **it just occurred to him to stay back after his last lecture

**Mystique:** why do i have an idiot for a brother

**Mystique: ** _ he has a PHD _

**bandshee: **hes not dumb ur just a genius

**bandshee: **u shld try out for mensa

**bandshee**: raven darkholme>>>albert einstein

**Hank: **Couldn’t you just pass the money to Prof. Lehnsherr yourself?

Hank’s _ nickname is now _bozo.

**havok: **what, and miss the fun of prof running about? nah.

**bozo: **Alex, please change my name back.

**havok: **you’re so smart, do it yourself.

**bozo: **Only for you to change it into something else? Change it back and stop touching it.

**Mystique: **as much as how cute this is i’m interrupting to start a bet

Mystique’s _ nickname is now _screw off.

screw off’s _ nickname is now _Mystique.

bozo’s_ nickname is now _ Hank.

Hank’s _ nickname is now _Bigfoot.

**Bigfoot: **I can’t win.

**bandshee: **did u say bet

**bandshee: **as in illegal money

**bandshee: **u knw me im always up for illegal dealings

**Mystique: **not illegal but let’s go

**Mystique: **how long do you bet it will take for my brother to get with prof lehnsherr

**havok: **ew

**havok: **that’s like hooking up with a serial killer but worse

**havok:** but the prof is a bit crazy so

**havok: **a week.

**Bigfoot: **I’m abstaining.

**havok: **because it’s morally wrong? so pure.

**Bigfoot: **No, because I’m not going to scar my brain by thinking about it.

**Mystique: **Now that you’ve said it…

**havok: **urgh

**bandshee: **urgh

**Dar-for-the-win: **urgh

**Dar-for-the-win: **three days.

**bandshee: **a month

**bandshee: **lehnsherr is a notorious hardass

**bandshee: **he wnt succumb to the wiles of profx so easily

**Dar-for-the-win: **i’m still constantly in awe of how you type so eloquently yet grammatically incorrect.

**bandshee: **dnt wrry so am i

**bandshee: **i shld try out for mensa too

**bandshee:** sean cassidy>>>>albert einstein

**bandshee: **tht’s one more > than raven

**bandshee: **:)

**havok: **how long do you think it will take, raven?

**Mystique: **three weeks

**Mystique: **but with the gossip, i’m not so sure

**Dar-for-the-win: **DEETS

**havok: **DEETS

**Mystique: **I am a keeper of secrets

**Mystique: **but two words

**Mystique: **halloween party 

**bandshee: **:o

**Dar-for-the-win: **i want to change my bet

**Mystique: **too late

**Bigfoot:** Isn’t there a no fraternisation rule, though?

**Mystique: **Hank, we are literally the only people in that one class of his, and I’m not even an official student in that class

**Mystique: **it’s only going to be among us, okay?

**Dar-for-the-win:** none of us are immune to profx being hurt

**Dar-for-the-win: **we ride and die like men

To Raven’s iPhone, 20/12/2016 

(16:07) _ Raven. _

(16:08) ….what?

(16:08) _ You didn’t tell me how attractive he was. _

(16:09) oh no. i hope you didn’t “accidentally” fall on him with all your clothes suddenly gone

(16:09) _ Raven! _

(16:09) _ I hope that isn’t the impression of me you and your friends have of me. _

(16:10) sorry to break it to you, charles, but whatever the faculty knows, so do the students

(16:10) _ Bugger. _

(16:10) _ Do you think he knows about my reputation? _

(16:10) oh god, please don’t tell me you’re pining already

(16:10) the last time you did this she got a restraining order

(16:10) _ But the time before that I got my current best friend. _

(16:10) as much as i love moira i think she should have her head checked

(16:11) you could just ask him if he knows

(16:11) _ Terrible idea. I’ll just chat him up first. _

(16:11) you have his number already?

(16:11)_ ....Yes? _

(16:11) where did my life go wrong

(16:11) _ Raven, your life is perfectly fine. _

(16:11) you’re not the one who has to listen to your conquests

(16:11) _ Fair point _.

To Erik’s iPhone, 20/12/2016 

(16:15) _ Did you know that green eyes are caused by interactions of multiple variants of the OCA2 gene, as well as other genes? They could have been pink instead--which is also a very pretty colour--but they came out as green. A very nice shade of forest green. _

(16:15) **I gave you this number for research, not pick-up lines. **

(16:15) _ Well, green eyes were already present in south Siberia during the Bronze Age, and are most common now in Northern, Western, and Central Europe. _

(16:16)** At least my students paraphrase when they turn to referencing Wikipedia.**

(16:16) _ If it helps, green eyes are common in tabby cats, and the chinchilla longhair and its shorthaired counterparts are known for their black-rimmed sea-green eyes. _

(16:16) **It comes as a surprise that the meaning of ‘anthropology’ is lost to you.**

(16:16) _ Are you insinuating that I have a large vocabulary? _

(16:16) **And the proof is evidently not, like your other assets.**

(16:16) _ You haven’t even seen it. _

(16:17) **I was referring to your height.**

(16:17) **I suppose I can allow for some others.**

(16:17) _ Is that a yes? _

(16:17) **Absolutely not.**

(16:17) **Don’t you have research to do? Or papers to grade?**

(16:17) _ How would you know how tall I am, anyway? I’m seated all the time. _

(16:17) **Guesstimation.**

(16:17) **Some people may not have papers to grade, but I do.**

(16:17) **If you’ll excuse me.**

To Raven’s iPhone, 20/12/2016 

(16:18) _ He seemed a little curt. _

(16:18) _ Raven, I keep scaring people off. _

(16:18) maybe flirting less would help

(16:18) anyway, don’t you have a paper to write?

(16:18) _ Not you too, Raven. Erik said the same thing to me. _

(16:19) are you both on first-name basis now? how cute

(16:19) _ We’re colleagues, first names are fine. _

(16:19) just be careful

(16:19) you know how strict the university is on no fraternisation among staff members

(16:19) _ Aw, Raven, you do care. _

(16:19) shut up, you know i do

(16:20) _ Thank you, Raven. Have I told you how blessed I am to have you as my younger sister? _

(16:20) buy me a box of cannoli and we’ll talk

(16:20) _ Anything for you, my dear sister. _

To Erik’s iPhone, 21/12/2016 

(02:32) _ I’ve sent you an email containing the reviews of the past three years on genetic analysis for ancient specimens, as well as my thesis; feel free to clarify anything you find unclear. _

(02:34) **Charles, why are you up?**

(02:34) _ Difficult question. I haven’t been to sleep today yet. _

(02:34) **Charles, go to sleep.**

(02:35) _ No, no, I think you misunderstand. I always stay up, and subsist on practically no sleep. _

(02:35) **Is this an explanation for your behaviour?**

(02:35) **Shit, sorry, I’m always cranky when I wake up.**

(02:35) _ No, it’s fine. It’s just quieter at night, so I can focus better. By the time it’s morning the world is too much of an exciting place again for me to sleep. _

(02:36) _ Erik Lehnsherr apologising like a normal, decent person. My students would steal my phone if they knew, just to see it for themselves. _

(02:36) **Contrary to popular belief, I do have a mother who raised me with impeccable manners. It just depends who I choose to use them on.**

(02:36) _ Honestly, I don’t know if there’s an explanation for my behaviour. _

(02:36) _ Mainly it’s a combination from living in boarding schools since I was seven and the home environment I grew up in, I suppose. _

(02:36) **Ah, the perils of the rich. Did you drink a lot of wine growing up, too?**

(02:36) _ By the barrel. Although Raven says my tolerance is still terrible. _

(02:37) **Your sister? You two don’t look much alike.**

(02:37) _ She’s adopted. But we practically raised each other, so whatever she says about me must have some modicum of truth in it. _

(02:37) **As much as I would love to continue this conversation, Autocorrect is the only thing saving me from horrendous typos now.**

(02:37) _ Goodnight, Erik. Get your beauty sleep while you can. _

(02:37) _ Not that you need it. _

(06:15) **Rise and shine, Charles.**

(06:15) _ Must you really? I just fell asleep. _

(06:15) **I would feel more terrible about it, really, if I wasn’t woken up at 2am just earlier this morning.**

(06:15) **And if I had a heart, according to most of my students.**

(06:16) _ Alright, Tin Man. I get up early but this is too early by my standards, I will text back at eight am. _

(08:43) **So the human race is a series of mutations after another, until a most ideal form is reached, huh.**

(08:43) _ Sooner or later, we might even out-evolve ourselves. _

(08:43) **A superior form of species.**

(08:43) _ Something like that. _

(08:43) **What, blond hair and blue-eyed?**

(08:44) _ If anything, Erik, brown eyes and dark hair will still dominate. Dark skin, too. Global warming affects the entire globe. _

(08:44) "**Records show, without exception, that the arrival of the mutated human species in any region was followed by the immediate extinction of their less-evolved kin.**" **This was in your thesis.**

(08:44) _ Pessimistic, my friend. Not much is changing. It might possibly happen in a few thousand years, maybe faster if genetic drift or a bottleneck happens, but by that time humans will be fundamentally different. It’s rather different from wisdom teeth, which are being slowly phased out by evolution in this day and age because we hadn’t needed them in a long time. _

(08:45) _ Homo without-wisdom-teeth would be quite a troublesome name for categorisation. _

(08:45) _ Besides, an extinction nowadays would more likely be a man-made one than of the natural, outlasting kind. _

(08:45) **A genocide.**

(08:45) _ I was thinking more along the lines of a nuclear war. _

(08:45) _ Which would in turn create more mutated specimens, some of which would be highly unstable. _

(08:46) **Superpowers?**

(08:46) _ Didn’t peg you as a comic book fan. Not really, I was referring to diseased organs and cells that cannot possibly support life. _

(08:46) _ Besides, mutations would probably only grant one superpower, rather than the diversity you see in comics. _

(08:46) _ Regardless, if by the time we do have a new breed of mutated human, I have enough faith in the world that the two species work together. _

(08:46) _ We’re two hundred thousand years into the future. No more outlasting the weaker species for food. _

(08:46) **Really, Charles? The last time they had talk of a superior species, ten million people died. And there was no chance of outlasting the ‘superior’ race.**

(08:47) _ I have been told many times that I place far too much faith in humanity. Is it really so bad to believe that humans do have compassion in them and they act on it? _

(08:47) **No, it’s just naive of you to believe that. History has already shown us the consequences of ‘human compassion’. **

(08:47) _ Let’s just agree to disagree. _

(08:47) **Alright. But you’re wrong.**

(08:47) _ Really, dear, I’m running late because I should be dressed by now, but I’m still texting you. _

(08:47) _ Unfortunately it also means I have to pass up that perfect lead-up. _

(08:47) _ I’m wearing only pants ;) _

(08:47) **Get dressed, Charles**.

(09:45) _ Have I ever told you how terrifying the subway is in the morning? _

(09:45)** Really? It seems pretty fine to me. Apart from the general state of disrepair of the entire system, that is.**

(09:45) **German trains are so much better.**

(09:45) _ Ah, yes, the “efficiency” of it all. I’m sure you and Emma get on famously. _

(09:45) **As machine-like efficiency she has, she’s a little too much of a fanatic for me to handle.**

(09:45) **And I don’t play for that team.**

(09:46) _ Well, if it makes you feel better, I play on all sides of the court. Up, down, left, right, centre. Even in the goalpost. _

(09:46) _ I digress. You’re the sort of ridiculous that wakes up at six am when there could nice, peaceful sleep. You’re probably in the office by seven, that’s barely any people on the subway on your way there. _

(09:47) **I wish I could say this is one of the weirdest coming-out experiences I’ve had, but that would be sadly untrue.**

(09:47) **You’re the one who’s still awake at 2am in the morning.**

(09:47) _ That’s when I do my work, so I have all the free time to pester you during the day. _

(09:47) _ I am a little apprehensive of what your coming-out stories are, if that wasn’t the least bit weird. _

(09:47) **Weirdest, but best, would probably be being loved and accepted unconditionally.**

(09:47) **Religious family.**

(09:48) _ Parents do love their kids, Erik. _

(09:48) _ My mother discovered when she walked into my room and found the young gardener, half-naked and hiding underneath my bed. _

(09:48) **Somehow, I saw that one coming.**

(09:48) **Did Raven steal your car again? Which is why you’re taking the subway?**

(09:48) _ I made her promise not to use her phone while driving! _

(09:48) **People call me a cynic, but then I don’t think they’ve met anyone like you.**

(09:48) _ Is that a compliment? _

(09:49) **Only you would choose to take it as a compliment.**

(09:49) _ Is _ that _ a compliment? _

(09:49) **It’s only as much a compliment as how late you’re going to be.**

(09:49) _ Oh, bugger. _

(13:12) _ What’s a seven-letter word for “annoying”? _

(13:12) **I really don’t know if this is a purposeful set-up.**

(13:12) _ I’m doing the crossword? _

(13:13) **C-H-A-R-L-E-S**

(13:13) _ Hey! _

(13:13) _ But it fits. _

(13:13) **Don’t you have class right now?**

(13:13) _ Yes _

(13:13) **So do I.**

(13:13) _ I gave them a quiz and now I have nothing to do. _

(13:14) **Find someone else to bother, then.**

(13:14) _ You’re replying me consistently, does this mean you’re giving your class a pop quiz too and have nothing to do? _

(13:16) _ It does! Erik, admit it. _

(13:16) **How can you even tell?**

(13:16) _ I’m telepathic. None of your secrets are safe with me _

(13:16) _ Including the colour of your briefs ;) _

(13:17) **Congratulations on being the first person to make me laugh when there are people around.**

(13:17) **Around silent test-taking students, no less.**

(13:17) **With a shitty pickup line**

(13:17) **They’re looking at me like I need to get my head checked.**

(13:18) _ Excellent. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it when I get home. _

(13:19) **Together with news of your wrecked car.**

(13:19) _ Worry about your “tough professor” image first, dear. _

To Raven’s iPhone, 21/12/2016 

(16:24) _ It’s barely been two days and we already have a sizable chat history. _

(16:24) _ So far we’ve talked about genetic mutations and its repercussions on humanity as we know it, came out to each other, and chatted for a bit. _

(16:24) yes brother, during class time no less.

(16:24) but isn’t everything he says extremely cynical

(16:25) the complete opposite of you

(16:25) _ We disagree on several points, but since both of us are rather stubborn, everything balances out rather nicely. _

(16:25) so is he like your perfect half?

(16:25) _ Don’t be silly, Raven. You know this isn’t how things work. _

(16:26) _ Especially when it’s me. _

(16:26) i think that’s exactly what’s holding you back

(16:26) you keep thinking it isn’t going to work

(16:26) then you don’t even try when something goes even mildly wrong

(16:26) wasn’t once enough for you to realise this?

(16:27) _ Caring for you is significantly different from dating, I hope you know that. _

(16:27) you’re missing the point

(16:27) _ Raven, sometimes it’s not about the other party being able to ‘hold their own’ _

(16:27) oh my god charles

(16:27) we’re all adults

(16:27) im not have this conversation with you, moira’s already said it: we’re more well-adjusted than we think we are.

(16:28) also

(16:28) i’m only asking you this because you’re my wild-partying brother

(16:28) is cocaine a drug i should try?

(16:28) _ Your teeth are far too nice to be ruined by cocaine, heroin would be a better choice if you must. _

(16:29) _ If the social workers had seen this text they’re going to take you away from me. _

(16:30) _ Don’t do drugs, Raven, it ruins your life. _

(16:30) well

(16:30) maybe you’re a little less adjusted than me

(16:30) then again you spent a longer time in that house of ours.

F R E A K S H OW 

December 22

**Mystique: **update- charles is already pining

**Bigfoot: **Should you be telling us this?

**Mystique:** i’m SURE all of you can see it in his teaching

**Mystique: **\+ he’s going to get insufferable about it soon

**Mystique: **he says he’s too professional to let it affect his teaching

**Mystique: **but we all know

**Mystique: **there are no reins on his puppy dog eyes

**Mystique: **and then all of you will feel like killing lehnsherr

**Mystique: **and we’ll have to hide his body when we actually do

**havok: **everyone feels like killing him on a daily basis, what’s your point

**Dar-for-the-win: **@raven think you’ve been watching too much HTGAWM recently 

**Dar-for-the-win: **i’d like to point out here that my mother is alive and perfectly fine, and that my biological father raised me, and that i’m perfectly well-adjusted

**bandshee: **COLIVER 4EVER

**Dar-for-the-win: **et tu, sean?

**bandshee: **no im just imitating angel

**bandshee: **but

**bandshee: **coliver 4ever

**havok: **profx can’t even kill a fly

**havok: **can’t be involved in any murder

**havok: **unless lehnsherr’s the one murdering him

**bandshee: **murdrin him

**bandshee: **IN BED OOOOOOOHHHH

**havok: **sean no

**Dar-for-the-win: **sean no

**Mystique: **sean no

**Bigfoot: **sean no

**bandshee: **sean yes

**bandshee: **w8 if ar is wes then hu am i?

**bandshee: **connor walsh just feels right 4 me, ukno?

**bandshee: **sexy & wanted by every1 

**bandshee: **profx is obv annalise but liked by every1

**bandshee: **xcept emma frost

**bandshee: **hank can be my attrctive smart bf ((oliver))

**havok: **he’s more like michaela

**havok: **wanting to do well in everything

**havok: **and

**Mystique:** lay off hank, alex

**havok: **why, because you want to lay on him?

**bandshee: **OHHHH BURN

**bandshee: **hank & frank rhyme #conspiracycfrmed

**Mystique: **alex, hun,

**Mystique: **you’re so gay, not even a ruler can help you draw a straight line

**Mystique: **and so is hank

**Bigfoot: **Can we not talk about me like I’m not here?

**Mystique: **all a ploy to lure you out of lurking

**Bigfoot: **Obviously, none of you have watched season three.

**bandshee: **no spoilrs pls!!!

**Dar-for-the-win: **Hank now holds ultimate power over us

**Dar-for-the-win: **He may release undesired major plot points as he wishes, when we go against his commands

**Dar-for-the-win: **The merciless king reigns over us all

**bandshee: **ar-my-man r u high

**Dar-for-the-win: **maybe

**bandshee: **i cn sense the influnce of weed

**bandshee: **im e weed whisperer

**bandshee: **.

**bandshee: **share some w me

**Dar-for-the-win: **come find me at 4.20

**bandshee: **ayyy blze it

**Mystique: **i always forget you two are actual neighbours

**Bigfoot: **Raven, where are you? I still need to pass you notes from the Comms lecture.

**Mystique: **in school, hanging out in Charles’ office and waiting for him to come back. i can wait for you outside

**Bigfoot**: Thought you’d have spent the last day before break out, especially when you’ve borrowed Charles’ car.

**Mystique: **i might have dented it a little and am trying to appease him by giving him a lift back home?

**Havok: **it’s good that profx is rich, isn’t it

To Erik’s iPhone, 24/12/2016 

(08:22) _ Happy Hanukkah! _

(08:22)_ I mean, only if you’re practicing. _

(08:22)_ Also, alliteration. _

(08:22) _ Otherwise, just happy holidays. _

(08:22) **Yes, Charles, I am a practicing Jew.**

(08:22) **Seemed like the best way to spit in the face of Nazis.**

(08:23) _ You’re a very spiteful man. _

(08:23) **“Alt-right movement” my ass.**

(08:23) _ What are your plans for today? Do you have a menorah? _

(08:23) **Yes, I do. Plans: attend prayer every day, eat as much oil-based food as I can get away with, buy candles.**

(08:24) _ How exciting. Raven and I are making cookies, and by that I mean she’s banned me from the kitchen after five minutes and I have to resort to using my phone for company. _

(08:24) _ How was I to know that that wasn’t sugar? They all look the same! _

(08:24) **Each day my doubts about you raising Raven only deepen. Did you put salt into the icing?**

(08:24) _ I may have also mistaken powdered sugar for flour. _

(08:24) **You’re a mess. At least my cooking is still edible.**

(08:25) _ Cooking and baking are two different things entirely. I’ll have you know I’m an exceptional cook. _

(08:25) **Exceptionally bad.**

(08:25) _ That’s what Raven says. _

(08.25) _ It’s perfectly edible if you just swallow without letting the food touch your tongue. _

(08:26) **You should try making latkes. Even I could make them appetising.**

(08:26) _ Latkes are rather oily, aren't they? I’ll probably just set fire to the entire kitchen. _ (08:26) _ There was a time when I didn’t know you shouldn’t pour water on a grease fire. _

(08:26) **Now you know.**

(08:26) _ Yes. Did you know that some people don’t grow back their eyebrows? Thankfully, I’m not one of them. _

(08:27) **Is that why Raven’s….?**

(08:27) _ Oh, no, that was entirely her at eight years old with a pair of scissors. I wouldn’t risk my kid sister to my methods of cooking. _

(08:28) **But you’re perfectly fine exposing her to the products of your cooking?**

(08:28) _ Precisely. It keeps her alive. _

(08:28) **You are a very, very strange man.**

(08:28) _ That’s what everyone tells me. They seldom say anything else. _

(08:29) _ Raven’s yelling at me to go put up stockings. _

(08:29) _ It’s not like I can reach very high. _

(08:29) _ “How high do you need to reach!?” Raven yells from the kitchen. Well, high enough that Santa doesn’t have to climb very far down from his sled. _

(08:30) **Please don’t tell me you still believe in Santa.**

(08:30) _ Erik, we don’t even have a chimney. _

(08:30) _ American apartments are just woeful, not that British apartments have chimneys either. _

(08:30) **I agree on dreadful American apartments. Back in Germany, I could actually stay warm.**

(08:30) **Much homelier too, but that was more family than anything else. There was always so much drapery everywhere.**

(08:30) _ That sounds delightful, Erik. _

(08:31) **One year my cousin brought his dog over and it chewed up the knitted Torah.**

(08:31)_ Oh my. _

(08:31) _ What happened to the dog? _

(08:31) **He kept it, but it was banned from our house after that.**

(08:31) **Just as well. It kept trying to eat the children’s chocolate gelt.**

(08:31) _ I sense a little bitterness, did you happen to be one of those children? _

(08:32) **You’ll never know.**

(08:32) **Any dogs and drapery on your side?**

(08:32) _ No, Christmas was always depressing in my house, especially after Mother remarried. I hid out as much as I could at boarding school, but when Raven came along I was at uni already, so I took her with me. _

(08:33) _ Christmas then was full of college kids drinking and smoking weed, with a shite Christmas bush sitting pathetically in the corner. Not the best place for a small child but Raven liked it well enough. _

(08:33) _ Now we do the Christmas shrub thing, bake cookies, eat them with hot chocolate and call it a day. _

(08:34) **No carolling?**

(08:34) _ Ah yes, I’m such a monster for depriving the world a chance to hear my exceptional voice. _

(08:34) **Exceptionally bad, you mean.**

(08:36) _ Precisely. Raven’s not any better herself, for all she screams at me to shut up when I’m in the shower. _

(08:36) _ She says disco’s bad enough already, much less when coupled with my voice. _

(08:36) _ I beg to differ. ABBA is timeless. _

(08:36) **I might actually kill you if we ever share music.**

(08:37) _ Not your cup of tea? _

(08:38) **Jazz or classical. Nothing else.**

(08:39) _ Disco will give you the desperately needed light in your life. _

(08:39) **I’ll pass.**

(08:39) _ Raven’s calling me to the kitchen, it sounds like she’s finished mixing. _

(08:40) _ Sorry Erik, but cookie batter wins out. _

(08:40) _ Talk to you later! _

(08:40) **Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.**

(10:04) _ You watch Firefly too! :D _

(10:04) **Sadly the television network doesn’t appreciate it as much as I do.**

(10:06) _ Raven always laughs when I rewatch it, but not everyone appreciates murderous law professors. _

(10:06) _ Funny, that, because I’m completely fine with murderous anthropology professors _

(10:06) _ ;) _

(10:06) **I would tell you to try harder, but I have the distinct feeling that you’re already trying too hard.**

(10:07) _ Charm comes naturally to me. It’s just friends that don’t. _

(10:07) **Charles, you are brutally honest at the least expected times.**

(10:08) _ I try to be surprising. Keeps people on the edge of their seats. _

(10:09) **Hate to burst your bubble, but you’ve been living a lie regarding your charms.**

(10:09) **Let me rephrase: you are more charming when you don't try.**

(10:10)_ Do you still vaguely remember a time when you were really curt? Ah, the old days. They weren’t good but they’re positively ancient. _

(10:11) **I’m just giving you advice**

(10:12) **You know, as friends do.**

(10:13) _ Erik Lehnsherr is my friend. I’m positively chuffed and elated, really, and somewhat honoured. _

(10:13) _ You’re my friend, too, you know. _

(10:14) **What is this, preschool?**

(10:15) **I just prefer to keep the company of people I find interesting or I’m able to work with.**

(10:15) **Biting their heads off would just be counterproductive.**

(10:16) _ The ever present German efficiency. Unfortunately, Raven is calling again, so I have to leave the perfect lead-up (again). _

(10:17) _ I only bite if you ask ;) _

(10:18) **Please stop. **

25/12/2016

(08:45) **Merry Christmas.**

(08:45) **How was Santa last night?**

(08:49) _ Thank you, Erik. Happy second day of Hanukkah to you, too. _

(08:49) _ Not very well, seeing as there are only two presents under the shrub, one which I distinctly remember putting there. _

(08:50) _ I think Raven must have bludgeoned him right as he was coming through the door to steal his bag of presents and is currently hoarding it in her room. _

(08:50) _ I can see his sleigh and impatient reindeers from my window so Raven must have him hostage as well. _

(08:51) **What a shame, think of all the poor children who never got their gifts because of their sheer dumb luck to be located after your house.**

(08:52) _ Exactly. _

(08:53) _ Today’s just going to be marking, marking and more marking, unless Raven drags me outside. _

(08:53) _ I’d much rather stay indoors. Either my wheels skid on ice or snow gets stuck to them. _

(08:53) _ Beautiful view if I stay inside, though. _

(08:55) **Have you seen a sole candle flickering in the winter night?**

(08:55) **It’s rather humbling to watch that tiny lick of flame fight against all that cold and darkness.**

(08:56) _ No, I haven’t, but it sounds beautiful. _

(08:56) _ You should show me sometime. _

(08:58) **Or you could get some candles and try it yourself.**

(08:59) _ Haven’t you heard? I’d probably burn the house down. _

(09:00) **“Accidental arson” does have a certain ring to it.**

(09:00) **Thank the Lord for no fireplaces?**

(09:01) _ We used to have fireplaces, back in Westchester. The one in the library was always lit because I was there so often. _

(09:01) **So the genius is cultivated, not born. Nature vs. nurture.**

(09:02) _ Some might argue otherwise. I was reading by the end of my first year, despite being relatively ignored by any caregivers. _

(09:02) _ You can imagine why Christmas at my place was like that. _

(09:02) _ You’re welcome to the cookies we make, by the way. We aren’t of the faith and I’m pretty sure these are kosher. _

(09:03) **You mentioned that you weren’t involved in the making of these cookies, right.**

(09:03) **I think I can try some.**

(09:04) _ :( _

(09:05) _ Just to tell you, I don’t know where Raven learnt to cook. _

(09:05) _ And we lived in some really shady conditions. _

(09:06) **You’re just potentially jealous of your sister.**

(09:06) **It’s not as endearing as you think it is.**

(09:06) _ I do not get jealous, I just don’t see how Raven’s cooking is any better than mine. _

(09:07) **Which one of you makes the hot chocolate?**

(09:08) _ Alright, you’ve got me there. _

29/1/2016

(22:18) _ They’re showing reruns of Futurama. _

(22:18) _ It’s very, very cleverly written, and manages to be humorous too. _

(22:19) **Have you abandoned your marking in favour of watching it?**

(22:19) _ You spell ‘favour’ with a u! _

(22:19) **As per the only correct way to spell it.**

(22:19) _ Word. And totally not, I’m marking as I watch it. _

(22:20) **Be careful not to write the wrong thing down on accident.**

(22:21) _ I bet my students would have a laugh out of it. Sean, especially. _

(22:21) **Isn’t he the one who plays in a band and walks around perpetually high?**

(22:21) _ He isn’t as high as he seems to make an impression of. Pays quite a lot of attention in class too, and his work is actually coherent. _

(22:21) _ Anyway, I’m on Season 1. Shouldn’t be too bad. _

(22:22) **Doesn’t Futurama have six seasons?**

(22:23) _ Seven. They’re showing the episodes back-to-back until the ball drops on New Year’s. _

(22:23) **For the back in time plot? Very festive.**

(22:24) **Don’t stay up too late watching.**

(22:24) _ Aye, aye, captain. _

30/12/2016

(03:49) _ Oops. _

(03:56) **Wake me up again and I’ll murder you after the break.**

(06:15) **Rise and shine, how does it feel?**

(06:15) _ Joke’s on you, I haven’t slept. _

(06:15) **I hope you aren’t planning on driving today.**

(06:16) _ No, I am going to stay in and watch Futurama and hopefully mark some work. _

(06:17) **Addiction ruins lives.**

(06:18) _ And now I have solid evidence of you threatening someone (me) with murder. _

(06:19) **It wouldn’t hold up in a court of law unless I actually act on it.**

(06:20) _ Character evidence, dear. _

(06:20) **Just make sure you at least eat today.**

(06:21) _ I’ll break some time during the more boring episodes, get some rest then. _

(06:22) _ But there are rarely any boring ones. _

(06:23) **Don’t die in front of the television.**

(06:23) **It makes for an embarrassing obituary.**

(06:24) _ I’m sure Raven will drag me away at some point in time. _

(06:24) **Far too often, I question your ability to survive on your own.**

31/12/2016

(00:13) **Are you still alive?**

(00:14) _ Erik! You’re up late. _

(00:14) **I’m still sorting through the backlog of research and marking.**

(00:14) **Which you should probably be doing instead of watching Futurama.**

(00:15) _ Raven banned me from the television, so I’m actually marking. _

(00:15) _ “Can’t have you looking like a homeless zombie during the gathering,” were her precise words, I think. _

(00:15) _ Are zombies homeless by default? Seems like an interesting topic to discuss. _

(00:15) **Depends on whether they’re still considered as the people they once were.**

(00:16) **And if the zombies have a place to rest**

(00:16) **If they even need to rest.**

(00:16) **Won’t you still look exhausted if you stay up marking instead of watching television?**

(00:17) _ Exactly! But she wouldn’t listen. _

(00:17) _ “At least marking makes you sleep,” she says. _

(00:18) **Can’t argue with that. It’s a solid point.**

(00:18) _ Traitor. _

(00:19) _ Can we talk later? I absolutely need to decimate Emma’s point on radiation-related mutations. _

(00:19) **Alright. Remember to sleep, at least.**

(00:20) _ Goodnight, Erik. _

(21:54) _ Erik….,,,, _

(21:54) _ why aren’5j yeiu herre? _

(21:54) _ its soo borieng _

(21:57) **Are you already drunk? It’s not even 10pm yet.**

(21:59) _ youre typeign too cohenretly _

(21:59) **How much alcohol have you had?**

(22:01) _ i dont remhber…,.,,. Moer than a bottttle o champange _

(22:02) _ ahnd a few shoys _

(22:03) **And you have to stay until the ball drops. Did someone turn off your autocorrect?**

(22:04) _ ye raven _

(22:05) _ i mis s futyramna _

(22:05) _ but i lalso hav tp kiss all the finsle peo pl here _

(22:06) **Charles, you can’t possibly kiss them all, especially when you’re this drunk.**

(22:08) _ midnight’’’,s a full minuet an d im a slut _

(22:09) _ are youu jealsou? _

(22:10) **Again, you think too highly of yourself.**

(22:11) **Stop texting, or you’ll end up with a chat history you’ll regret in the morning.**

(22:12) _ ido a lot of thigns thati regert _

(22:13) _ :( bye _

1/1/2017

(00:02) _ happp neew year;;; _

(00:02) **Happy New Year to you too, Charles. Go to sleep.**

(00:02) _ ::( _

(12:42) _ God, we are never having a repeat of that again. _

(12:43) _ It’s what I tell myself each time I drink, but somehow I forget. _

(12:43) _ My phone screen’s brightness is set to the lowest and it’s still too bright. _

(12:43) **I’m more amazed that you can type coherently this hungover.**

(12:45) _ I’m coherent even when drunk, it’s just that my fingers don’t cooperate. _

(12:46) **I’ll leave you to sleep it off.**

(12:46) _ Since when have you been this merciful? _

(12:47) **New year, new me.**

(12:47) _ Will see if that holds up after break when your freshmen come out of your lectures. _

(12:48) _ With the seats of their pants wet. _

(12:49) **Some of them just have incontinence issues. **

F R E A K S H OW 

January 3, 2017

**Bigfoot: **Watching the Professor smile so widely at his phone then frowning over his papers is giving me whiplash.

**havok: **never did i thought i would live to see the day where henry mccoy iii texts in class

**Bigfoot: ***think

**Bigfoot: **It’s a serious cause for concern. The papers look like they might be killing him.

**Mystique: **don’t worry about it, it’s not nature that’s stumping him like that

**Mystique: **he only reserves that face for administration paperwork

**bandshee: **raven cn u steal his phone

**bandshee: **it shld b illegel 2 hv ths many tests in 1 wk

**Dar-for-the-win: **you’re only saying that bc your mind is absolutely wrecked frm that much alcohol frm yesterday

**havok: **yeah raven can you steal his phone

**Bigfoot:** shut up guys he’s looking up

**Bigfoot: **okay safe

**Bigfoot: **He seems like he has a lot of paperwork.

**Mystique: **that’s because stryker hates him and has a cruel streak the size of cuba

**Bigfoot: **Cuba isn’t very big.

**Mystique: **I was being realistic but fine

**Mystique: **russia

**Mystique: **most of the paperwork’s about staff being let go too

**Bigfoot: **Christ.

**havok: **isn’t that breaking some kind of confidentiality thing

**Mystique: **do you really think stryker gives a shit about rules

**Dar-for-the-win: **yeah, mr stryker’s been watching him like a hawk, recently

**Dar-for-the-win: **saw him cornering profx after class once and whatever it was

**Dar-for-the-win: **it didn’t seem nice

**bandshee: **wait!!! let me b e 1 2 say it

**Dar-for-the-win: **?

**bandshee: i’ve got a bad feeling ‘bout this**

**havok: **nerd

**bandshee: **scuse u

**bandshee: **im a geek

**havok: **but why profx? he’s one of the better teaching staff they have

**Bigfoot: **Prof refuses to do the kind of research he wants.

**Bigfoot: **At least, that’s what I heard.

**havok: **henry mccoy iii, engaging in gossip. i can die happy today.

**Mystique: **only if you could ever die happy, mr i-only-eat-angst-for-breakfast-lunch-dinner

**bandshee: **wow how long dd it take 4 u 2 type that

**bandshee: **SHI

**bandshee: **Dear children, if you would all kindly put your phones away and concentrate on the quiz, that would be highly beneficial to your learning.

**bandshee: **Mr Summers, the lecture hall isn’t particularly big and your whispering isn’t particularly soft, so I did hear that. The answer is, you were all distracted. Raven, dear sister, please stop leading all of them astray.

To Erik’s iPhone, 3/1/2017

(17:45) Hey Erik, this is Charles, typing from Raven’s phone. I seem to have lost mine, I’ve filed a police report because I haven’t been able to find it anywhere in places I frequent.

(17:45) If you had sent me anything after two pm, I wouldn’t have seen it.

(17:45) I should have left my phone on my desk, but for some reason, I can’t find it there.

(17:45) I just hope it’s somewhere safe.

(19:40) **Please tell me it’s at least password-protected.**

(19:41) Err….no, not as such.

(19:41) **Verdammt.**

(19:41) **If someone gets their hands on it.**

(19:42) I know, I put far too much trust in people.

(19:42) I’m so sorry, Erik. I didn’t mean for this to happen.

(19:48) Erik?

(19:48) **Return the phone to Raven, please. And delete this conversation. If you don’t want to implicate her.**

(19:48) I’m very sorry, Erik.

(19:49) Hey Prof Lehnsherr, this is Raven. This is the first--and only--message from my phone to yours, just checking that my brother has paid you back the money.

F R E A K S H OW 

January 4

**Mystique: **udhwijsihs8ndhorheuwib

**Mystique: **some1 come by bio dept 2nd floor toilets to hold raven back pls thnks -drwn

**Hank: **What did I miss?

**Mystique: **I JUST SAW EMMA FROST WALK BY

**Mystique: **WITH CHARLES’ PHONE IN HER HAND

**Mystique: **UNLOCKED

**Mystique: **SHE WAS SCROLLING THROUGH THE TEXTS

**Mystique: **SMIRKING

**Hank: **Are you positive that it was your brother’s phone?

**Mystique: **I SAW THE SCREEN

**Mystique: **aND HIS PHONE IS MISSING

**Mystique: **if she gets it to stryker

**Mystique: **it’s not only my brother, it’s lehnsherr too.

**Mystique: **he doesn’t deserve it

**Mystique: **shit. bloody hell.

**Hank:** Be right back.

**Hank: **I have something to do.

**Dar-for-the-win: **hank pls i cnnt hodl out much lnger

**havok: **okay if she had dirt on profx then she should be happy right?

**Mystique: **what?

**havok: **she looks PISSED

**havok: **she always looks like she wants to murder someone but she has That Look in her eyes right now

**bandshee: **r u sure thts not hppiness in her eyes

**havok: **definitely not she just threw me out for texting

**havok: **out of two hundred students

**havok: **many of whom are texting too

**havok: **nvm free break

**bandshee: **thts the spirit

**havok: **wait a minute

**bandshee: **what?

Bigfoot’s_ nickname is now _ beast.

**havok: **Henry McCoy III

**havok:** .

**havok: **not even i would have the balls to jam the lock to the ladies’ 

**havok: ** make _emma frost _late to lecture to give yourself more time

**havok: **and then break into her office through the window

**havok: **which is probably boobytrapped all over

**havok: **just to retrieve a professor’s phone

**bandshee: **hank

**bandshee: **MY SON

**bandshee: **I’M SO PROUD OF YOU

**Dar-for-the-win: **congratulations, hank, you’ve shocked sean enough for him to type in full words

**havok: **that is the single most graceful thing i’ve seen all year and i saw some dude pickpocket three people in a row two months ago

**bandshee: **u saw soem1 do tht??? y ddnt u tll me. or e police 

**bandshee**: dnt tll e police actly snitches get stitches

**bandshee: **hank=dank

**Beast: **Thanks.

**Beast: **And all of you are welcome.

**bandshee: **did u return e phone 2 profx?

**Beast: **Yes?

**bandshee: **u shldve just kept it so hed stop texting lehnsherr

To Erik’s iPhone, 5/1/2017 

(18:08) _ Do I still have your trust? _

(18:08) **You have.**

(18:09) **Do you have a password-protected phone?**

(18:09) _ I have now. _

(18:09) **You've actually had everything of me since day one.**

(18:10) _ You mean, since I badly plagiarised Wikipedia for you. _

(18:10) **That, too, but it wasn’t day one.**

(18:10) _ That was the first day we talked to each other, no? I finally sought you out, tried paying you Raven’s bail but you wouldn’t take it. _

(18:10) _ Honestly speaking, I didn’t even know you existed before that. _

(18:11) **Now I’m beginning to see truth in Raven’s words.**

(18:11) _ What? _

(18:11) **Were you really that drunk on Halloween last year?**

(18:12) _ Oh. _

(18:12) _ Oh, my. _

(18:13) _ Erik, I _

(18:13) _ Why didn’t you leave a note, at least? _

(18:14) **I didn’t know what to think and when I did**

(18:14) **I thought you weren’t interested.**

(18:15) _ Oh, Erik. _

F R E A K S H OW 

January 5

**Mystique: **pay up, guys

**havok: **proof?

**Mystique: **i invite all of you to a sleepover at my house when lehnsherr comes over

**havok: **ok nvm

**bandshee: **r they doin e….hank-ie panky?

**Mystique: **sean no

**havok: **sean no

**Beast: **sean no

**Dar-for-the-win: **sean no

**bandshee: **sean yes

**bandshee: **:)


End file.
